You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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