Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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