If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
