Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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