3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
