Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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