3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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