i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
