Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
