I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We smell like vodka and hangover
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