hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My life is pants optional.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
