I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
