Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
