It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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