The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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