You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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