Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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