I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
