I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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