my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
