Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
if only i could text you this smell
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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