Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
