I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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