I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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