she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
