I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
