the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
