and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize