Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Send help, water and tortillas.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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