the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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