Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
