The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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