Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
