when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
