i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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