Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
