my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
