I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
