Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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