My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
