i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
