Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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