So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
