Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
