I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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