there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
