Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
