so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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