you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
