Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
