Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
