$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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