so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
