I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
