is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
