Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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