yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
